


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,120

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [36]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 17:50:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7371655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Obi-Wan finds out he's going to be a father, and…  Well, there is no “and”, what more could you want?!?!?!</p>
<p>www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,120

TATOOINE - Day 1,120:

"I'm late," Beru said, looking deeply into my eyes. 

I smiled at her. "Ok..."

"Ben, I mean I'm late." There was a look of desperation on her face as she motioned downward with her head. 

"Ok," I tried to look concerned. "What for?"

"You Jedi are really clueless when it comes to women, aren't you?" She huffed. 

"From your tone Beru, I'm guessing that we are."

She grabbed hold of my hand. "Ok Ben, if you really need me to spell it out for you...I'm pregnant!"

"Who's the father?"

SLAP!

No amount of Force power could have seen or prevented that slap coming from Beru. 

"What the hell?" I whimpered, rubbing my beard. 

"Obi-Wan Kenobi, you are an asshole! Of course you're the father. I haven't been with anyone else, including my husband, and his blaster only shoots blanks."

"I'm terribly sorry for my insensitivity, Beru." I took her slapping hand in mine and kissed it. "I am naive when it comes to love. Master Yoda royally screwed us over on that one."

"What are we going to do?" Beru asked, giving me her most sad Ewok eyes. 

"Well," I began, "there's really not much we can do about Yoda. He's on the other side of the..."

"No!" She pulled her hand away. "What are we going to do about the baby?"

"Oh, of course!" Love was a confusing pain in the ass. "Well I don't think it will be wise to raise two Force sensitive children together. After all, that's how I ended up on this crap hole of a planet."

"Hey!"

"See," I lowered my head in shame, "I'm just not good at this sort of thing."

"So," Beru paused briefly, "what do you think?"

"I think we need to protect this child like we do Luke."

"No Ben, what do you think about being a father?"

"Wow," I was overwhelmed with emotions, "I'm kind of in shock. I can't even process this right now."

"That's understandable," said Beru, placing her hand on my knee. 

"However," I continued cautiously, attempting not to upset her, "it's not safe for you go through the pregnancy on Tatooine. Too many people have seen us together and too many bounty hunters are out for our blood. Is there anyone on another planet that you can stay with?"

"I have an aunt on Coruscant."

"Ummm..." I grumbled, "I don't think that will work." 

"I have a sister on Takodana."

I smiled. "Now that could work! The Force is strong on that planet."

"Will we raise our child together?" she asked, hope filling her eyes. 

"We'll have to let the Force guide us." I sensed this was not the answer she was looking for. "But we need to get you off this planet as soon as possible. No one can know that you are pregnant, and you're already starting to show."

Pulling away from me, Beru scolded, "I am not showing! It's impossible, I'm only six weeks along!"

"But your belly?"

"You really are a clueless space twat!" She stood up and stormed off. "I'll get my things together and you figure out the plan, jerk."

Chewie and Luke came in from wrestling outside in the sand. Buckets of the yellow powder fell from their bodies. 

"Sure guys," I said angrily, "I love living on a desert planet so much that I wish my home was filled with sand too."

"Yay!" Luke yelled. 

"Hold on, little dude," Chewie said, patting Luke on his head. "What's the matter, Obi?"

"Sorry, it's just Beru needs to go to Takodana for a while, and I need to stay here with Luke."

"Why, man? What's the haps?" 

I shook my head. "I'll explain another time. We need to find her a transport, today."

"Aunt Beru is leaving?!" Luke whined. 

"Just for a little while. But you get to stay here with me and Chewie."

"And be a man?" Luke beamed. 

"Of course, Mr. Skywalker." I smiled. "Three big men saving the galaxy."

So Beru sent a message to Owen saying that she was taking Luke off-world to think about their marriage. Then we headed to Mos Eisley to recruit a pilot. 

The butt-head band still filled the Cantina with that same crappy song. The two aliens that led us into the trap with Bossk was nowhere to be seen. We'd deal with them on another occasion. Chewbacca made the rounds, trying to find us a decent pilot with a decent ship, while Beru, Luke and myself sat at the bar. 

"This is happening too fast, Ben." Beru had tears in her eyes. 

"I'm sorry, my dear." Luke was in her lap, and I pulled the two of them closer to me. "We have to act quickly. Right now only you and I know, but that could change in an instant. Hell, Bossk could walk in through the front door and blast us into a million pieces!"

"Wizard!" Luke exclaimed. 

"Enough," Beru scolded him. "Ben, I can't tell you how much I'm going to miss you. And I can't help but feel that you don't want this B-A-B-Y." She spelled it out in order to keep Luke in the dark. 

Taking Beru's hand I reassured her, "Of course I want the...it. It just took me by surprise." 

"Well, that's what happens when people have S-E-X, Ben."

"I know that, of course I do. There just wasn’t a sex ed. class offered at the Jedi Academy, so once again I'm clueless." I smirked, and managed to coax a smile out of Beru. "I will miss you terribly as well, but I'll have the memory of your beautiful smile to keep me company."

"Dudes!" Chewie joined us. "I think I found the perfect crew and ship, and they hate the Empire. Come on!"

I translated for Beru, and we followed Chewie. Sitting at the table was a purplish, hairy creature with stripes. I could only assume he was a Lasat, from the holovids I’ve seen. I thought they were extinct. His partner looked like a tween girl Boba Fett, wearing a customized Mandalorian helmet.

When we sat down, I spoke first, "Please, no names."

"As you wish," said the Mandalorian. "So you seek transport to Takodana?"

"Yes," I noticed Chewie and the Lasat eyeballing each other. "Do you have a fast ship?"

"You've never heard of The Ghost?"

Smiling, I answered her, "As a matter of fact, I have."

"Well, okay then." The girl seemed surprised. "What's the cargo?"

I motioned to Beru. "Just this woman, and no questions asked."

Suddenly Luke sprang up in his chair and announced, "Aunt Beru is having a B-A-B-Y!"

I reacted with a facepalm and an audible groan.


End file.
